Since the invention of movie making there have always been movies which people consider to be bad. Although many bad movies simply "suck" there are a few which, and I believe this is the technical term, "blow" or even "blow chunks." A movie is said to blow when it exceeds the maximum threshold in any given unwanted area of movie making. A film can be morally offensive, such as when it depicts shameful racist or sexist caricatures. It can be artistically offensive, meaning the film is of such poor quality creatively or technically that you're offended by it, as though the filmmakers are insulting your intelligence; in my mind nothing is worse when making a movie than apathy, because normally after a bad movie you can take solace in knowing that the creators at least tried to make something good, but it's obvious when zero effort went into a movie and that it was only a sleazy attempt to separate you from your money. A film can also be boring, which is the worst possible scenario. A horrible movie can at least be fun to rant about after seeing it, but a boring movie is a deadening movie. A boring film drains any enthusiasm or spirit you had going into it so that you can't even muster up the energy to complain about it.
Having said all that, I'd like to run down what I consider to be the top 5 (or bottom 5 depending on how you look at it) movies I've ever seen. Strangely enough, none of them are movies you'd expect to be on a worst of list. None of them are
Battlefield Earth or
Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo or
Caligula. All of them are in fact movies other people actually like. I guess I'm just an outsider. If a movie appears on my list that you personally like, please, give my points a fair listen. I certainly don't blame you if you like them; I'm not an art snob. But first, before the bottom 5, an honorable mention. Something to whet the appetite before digging into the main course. I present to you, the reader, my thoughts on
Heavy Metal.
Heavy Metal is not so much a film as it is a Kindgarten student's unfinished 90 minute flash animation. It is singularly the worst animated movie I've ever seen (spoiler alert: none of my top 5 worst movies are animated). It's hard to know where to begin because every aspect of Heavy Metal is absolutely atrocious. Let's look at a screenshot:
The animation is hideous. Outlines are crude, jagged, in many cases unfinished. Shading and contrast are very poor. Shading and animation pop in-and-out of numerous shots. Human bodies are exaggerated and disproportional and the women have breasts the size of their heads. Tons of pointless T 'n' A and sex scenes where the female character's will spontaneously, and for no reason, give themselves over to male character's they've known for 30 seconds. Of course, when T 'n' A shows up to a movie her drug-addled boyfriend Blood 'n' Guts is often not far behind. The movie is saturated with pointless and disgusting scenes of brutal death and dismemberment. The lip-synch is horrendous, worse than sock puppet theater. However, even if the lip-synch were done well it wouldn't matter because the voice acting is flat and uncompelling.
Every scene in the movie is completely nonsensical. The movie is broken into various disjointed and incoherent segments that make no sense even within its own warped logic and the segments themselves are barely held together by a haphazard narrative. If that weren't enough, every scene is bursting with mind-numbing stupidity.
The ultimate travesty of the movie is its soundtrack. In a movie called
Heavy Metal, filled with tits and violence and muscled action hero dudes riding dinosaurs to rescue busty princesses, the majority of the soundtrack is not heavy metal music but instead bland orchestral scores, and the few heavy metal songs in the movie are dull. Also of note,
Heavy Metal has the worst scene in movie history of a genitalia-less robot built by coke-addicted aliens having sex with a red-headed human nurse sucked into the alien space ship by a giant vacuum, and that's saying something.
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